Sundays have been hard for me for quite some time. I don’t think I can remember the last time I went to church and didn’t feel guilty or embarrassed about something or other. It’s been several years since I was able to sit without pain in the pews or the chairs. By the end of second hour, I’m really done. Overload. Come home and crash…often napping much of the day away. Sunday rest, right? It’s been a long time since I’ve felt my faith and worth was good enough to even be at church. Talks about keeping the Sabbath Day holy have taken their toll.
Yesterday, I woke feeling pretty good…better in mind and spirit. I actually felt good about getting up and going to church. The kidlets were even really good about getting up and ready (early morning services). I was going to have “my perfect” Sabbath. Not perfect exactly…but my perfect. Better then the befores. I would go to church; listen and take notes about the talks; be positive and cheery in the library; make it all 3 hours; come home and enjoy my family during lunch time; spend some time working on Personal Progress; write my missionary; and then spend quality time with the kidlets and RJ. My body hurt…but my head and heart felt different. I could do this!
But I didn’t. I failed.
True, I did start out strong, and didn’t view things as a failure at first. I still sat on the couch in the foyer…but I spent less time feeling ashamed and guilty for having to do so. But I didn’t hear much of the talks, nor did I take any notes. I barely made it through the second hour…again. I napped…again. No family lunch. I watched movies with the kidlets…something we usually don’t do on Sunday. I forgot to write to Maighan. And I stayed up late watching Netflix…again something we’ve been trying to not do on the Sabbath.
This morning has been a bit of an emotional roller coaster. For many reasons. But one of those reasons is a nasty little niggler that kept creeping in to poke my guilt and shame. I failed to have “my perfect” Sabbath. Failed again. Then I ran across a quote by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland…and was reminded that I’m not perfect. I need to BE KIND…to me.
Yesterday may not have been “perfect”…but it wasn’t a fail either.
I didn’t hear most of the talks during sacrament because of 2 little boys who were having a very hard morning (not mine, but a friend’s). That’s okay…we all have hard mornings. I let them play a quiet game on my iPad (with their mom’s permission of course) and I hope helped.
I napped because my body still has a long way to go in this journey of healing…and it was completely done after the 2nd hour. It needed a nap…and that’s okay. The good thing is that I didn’t nap all day. Only for a few hours…but not all day.
And we broke from our norm of no movies on Sunday, because of crazy chaos in our schedule right now. I made the choice to have some movie time with the kidlets…girly movie with the girls…and then something with the boys. I do not regret spending time with them. The girls and I watched Beauty and the Beast together (my all time favorite fairy tale). It was important for me to do so. And the boys and I watched Star Wars. To be honest, I’d probably do it again…and again.
Not a perfect Sabbath…but mine nonetheless.
Be Kind my friends.