Let me say right from the start that I deeply love and want ALL of my children. Being their mom is far from easy…and there are more then a few days were I wonder if I’m really up to the task…but at the end of the day I find my strength was sufficient and my heart has grown a little bit more. A couple weeks ago I went in for our greatly anticipated anatomy ultrasound. Everyone was so excited…me most of all. The unknown was going to be made known…and all our convictions confirmed. Our last little girl was on her way, right?
Let me explain a bit. I’m sure everyone will have their opinions…and maybe some will think I’m off my rocker…but it is what it is. Call it whatever you will…intuition, premonition, visions, or divine knowledge…but I have known and seen almost all of my children long before they were born. All of my girls in particular made it very clear that they wanted to be part of our family. We have known for over a dozen years that our last child would be a girl. We even have her name ready and waiting for her.
Imagine my surprise when the first thing we see on the ultrasound…after seeing breech…is that this little one is not our anticipated FlutterBird. Boy! Clear as day! A second ultrasound last week confirmed that he is far from shy, and despite FireBird’s stubborn denial, he is still a he. Everyone has been in shock…me more then everyone else I think. I’m still working through the emotional roller coaster and trying to wrap my head around having another little boy.
I think my heart was a little more set on having our last girl and being “done” then I thought. Pregnancy does not agree with me. It’s a beautiful thing…and a huge miracle in so many ways (we were told many years ago that I’d probably never have children…at least never carry them to full term). We struggled through so many years of infertility issues, miscarriages, and preterm issues…the last 3 years being particularly hard with other issues and concerns coming up. Pregnancy is painful for me…and stressful. I’ve been diagnosed with an irritable uterus with preterm tendencies…and adenomyoma. So as my uterus grows and stretches it gets crampy and painful, and contractions kick in. There’s not a lot I can do about it…the meds I used to take are no longer approved for my diagnosis. Because CareBear was born early…after a stay in the hospital on anti-contraction meds…my doc is watching this little one closely.
I also find myself feeling a little bit panicky at raising another boy. I know girls! They may be a bit confusing, dramatic, and emotional…but I understand them. Boys are not easy for me to understand. And my boys have been hard! GadgetJunior has confusing learning disabilities, KnightJester has Aspergers, and DoubleD has Laryngal Malacia with other health issues that made the first 2 years of his life a blur of worry and fear. Don’t get me wrong! I love them dearly and wouldn’t trade them for anything. They’re amazing and wonderful in so many ways…and they’re way more snugly then my girls ever were. I just feel a bit panicky every so often.
I’m so grateful and full of unimaginable joy to be growing this very healthy little boy…but still a bit sad to know it will be a little longer before we get to grow and hold our little FlutterBird. I know that some family and friends reading this will want me to have my head examined. Maybe I should…I always wanted to know what was going on inside there. We have not made any future plans. Our goal is to just get this LittleStinker here safe and healthy in May. But I trust the Lord in all of this…past, present, and future. If He can create Heaven and Earth, part the Red Sea, raise the dead, and heal the sick…then he can give me the strength and love and peace to do what He wills. And even though this child was not known, my heart grows daily to know that he and the Lord trust me enough to be his mom. Even when there are days I worry I’m not up to the task…I’ll go to bed tonight knowing that my strength was sufficient for today…and my heart will have grown that little bit more.