I’ve been putting this off for a little while now.  Not exactly sure why, except maybe by posting this somehow makes it all more real.  Or maybe it’s just that I’m reluctant to show that I’m not “practically perfect in every way”.  Kind of silly, huh?

Have you ever had a comment or quote strike you in such a way that it changes your perception of your own reality?  I don’t mean just the “wow that was cool” or “good idea” kind of comment.  It’s not even the kind that clubs you over the head or strikes like lightening to change your way of acting or thinking.  The comment that has the power to change your perception down to the core of who you are is the almost once in a life time kind of comment.  At least it is for me.

I can’t even tell you where it was this comment came from.  Nor can I tell you exactly what I was doing when I heard it.  I think it might have come from a movie…perhaps even one of the Narnia movies…but it could have even been a stray comment I overheard in passing at the store.  In truth it doesn’t really matter.  What matters to me is the quiet almost tingly feeling that passed through me and let me examine my own inner reality.  In some ways it was almost an awakening…the world seemed to brighten a bit…and some things seemed more real to me then they had before.  I can’t even quote to you the exact comment.  The gist of it was that there comes a point when you have to stop moaning over what was lost and start accepting the gifts you are given.  For me this was big…yet it seems like such a small silly little comment.

I’m going to admit something that I don’t think I’ve ever really allowed myself to admit before.  As a child I had wonderful dreams for my future…full of all the sugar sweet, fairytale imaginings that children dream about.  I was going to get married, have beautiful obedient healthy children, be the perfect mom and homemaker, have the perfect house with the perfect yard, have wonderful friendships and be a published writer…and if there was enough time I’d also save the rain forests and be a zookeeper.  Except for that last little bit, I’d never once thought the other stuff was too much to ask for.  Okay…okay…stop laughing and pick yourself up off the floor.  I did say I was a child, right?  Here’s my problem…I never really let go of those rosy sweet childhood dreams.  As a result, I’ve set myself up for several disappointments.  Unintentionally of course…but disheartening none-the-less.

Don’t get me wrong!  I have a great life…and 6 beautiful children, a wonderful husband and some great friendships.  We have a roof over our heads, steady income and food on the table.  I even get to write from time to time…not published…yet.  But there have been many times over the last several years where I’ve spent way too many moments moaning over what was lost or could never be.  I can’t say I’ve actually spent that time wallowing in self-pity as such…okay perhaps there was some of that if I were to be totally honest.  Though come to think of it…wallowing may not be such a bad thing.  🙂  Have you ever watched a pig wallow in the mud?  They often look quite content and satisfied…and that mud can look nice and cool.  But I digress…

Almost 15 years ago it felt like the bottom fell out of my world when we were told that I probably could never have children.  Bringing these 6 amazing kidlets into this world has been one struggle and trial after another.  But they are here!  Going day to day, and sometimes hour to hour, watching one of those kidlets struggle to breath and be healthy…wondering if this day or that will be the last day I’ll be able to hold him…that is one of the hardest things I’ve had to face.  But he’s more and more healthy every day…and his intelligence and joy for life is amazing!  Loosing a level of physical mobility for a while and the pain associated with that has brought me to a level of depression I hope to never have to face again.  But the sweet precocious little girl I had in the midst of all that sparks sunshine in my soul like nothing else can!  Facing a possible cancer scare and other health concerns is a frightening experience.  But the hands the held me…my husband, family and friends, my doctors, and especially my Savior, brought comfort to a degree that I hadn’t felt in a very long time.  It’s good to know I’m not alone! The heart wrenching, soul crushing pain and loss of pregnancy after pregnancy over the last couple of years…there’s nothing to compare.  But the personal growth in patience and strength and so many other ways…though not what I would have wished for when we started this journey…has been amazing…there really are few words to describe it!  Waking up and recognizing the blessings that have come because of, or inspite of, these past trials and struggles has been a calming experience as well.  So now when faced with a trial or struggle, I let myself have a quiet (or sometimes not so quiet) moment to mourn what is lost…and then it’s time to look up to see what gift is being offered and try to accept it as graciously as possible.  No more wallowing allowed…

…except maybe to cool of in the mud…

…or in a handful of peanut butter chocolates!



2 thoughts on “Wallowing

  1. I wish I could say something profound and all intelligent, but allas, our trials are what they are. I wish I could give them to someone else on many days, but because of them I am who I am (good and bad). all in all, I think we have a pretty great life, huh! 🙂

    • Nothing profound needed. Our trials are what they are…and shape who we are. I’m just finding it a little easier to look at them from the point of seeing what blessing/gift is coming out of it. 🙂

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